I HAVE AN ETERNITY AHEAD OF ME
(Intermittent Waves Recorded From The Transformed Heart Of A Woman)
AUNTIE YONNY: SPIRITUAL SACRIFICES
1 Peter 2:4-6 King James Version (KJV)
4 To whom coming, as unto a living stone, disallowed indeed of men, but chosen of God, and precious,
5 Ye also, as lively stones, are built up a spiritual house, an holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices, acceptable to God by Jesus Christ.
6 Wherefore also it is contained in the scripture, Behold, I lay in Sion a chief corner stone, elect, precious: and he that believeth on him shall not be confounded.
It had been there all along, but, undetectable to the naked eye. She had been a brilliant, promising student, with a bright future ahead of her. All of her life, she had worked hard to make something out of herself and to support her struggling family. As a little girl, she took in laundry and babysat to earn money to support her family. Later, she worked in a department store, while she attended secondary school. During college, she was bright enough to keep up her studies, while she was working, but, she had to spend long nights studying to stand out above the other students. Yet, she had managed to escape the illness that lurked within her, which had stolen her mother from her.
Zenobia had a strong mind, but, she knew that even that was not enough to stand against the weakness of the body, without God. Still, in her weakness, she felt disconnected from God. It’s hard to tell when she actually fell to the illness, or what actually triggered the chemicals within her body. It could have been stress upon her body from the pregnancy; the morning sickness, or false labor pains. It could have been the pain of a broken heart. We can look for blame, but, does blame solve any problem? Will blame cure any illness? By looking for blame, we ignore factual evidence and prolong illness and suffering. Blame is a distraction of darkness intended to keep us in bondage.
Zenobia, was a nurse practitioner, who dealt in physical and factual evidence. However, as prepared as she was in any event to tackle medical problems, she was unprepared to fight against and defend her body from the illness within herself. Being an excellent medical professional, after thorough examination, she was able to detect physical and mental illnesses within patients.
However, at first she didn’t recognize the symptoms within herself and attributed her moodiness to her pregnancy. She knew that her pregnant body needed more rest than before she became pregnant, so, she wasn’t concerned about sleeping so long or more frequently. The irritability and inability to focus and concentrate on tasks was normal she told herself and would pass after the baby’s birth. But, soon, she began cancelling more and more appointments and events, until, there were no activities in her life. She lost interest in decorating the house and overseeing the household employees. Everything would change and go back to normal, once the baby was born, she kept trying to convince herself. However, things appeared to be getting worse. She just couldn’t handle things anymore.
Furthermore, there was too much going on around her and her mind couldn’t take it. She couldn’t accept the things going on around her. Everything within her told her that they were wrong. She had no peace from within or from without her being. Still, she gathered within her intelligence and rationale that she could handle it after the baby’s birth.
Yes, she had always had to be strong and in control of her life to help everyone else around her. Her mother, brothers and sisters had depended upon her. She had to be strong! She was trying to find that unwavering strength within her now, but, it was not what it used to be and at times, it was not to be found. She could be found each morning or afternoon (if she had slept late), sitting in the gazebo, thinking. Everyone thought that it was because of what was going on between her and Hal, and so did she.
Before her pregnancy and even as a child, Zenobia could distract herself from those things that weren’t right around her; those things that she couldn’t accept. She distracted herself by working and studying. If things got tough, she worked and studied even harder. But, she didn’t have her work to get lost within anymore and her illness had progressed to the point it was the distraction.
Then, one morning she awoke from a dream and felt the baby kicking and moving around inside of her. The dream had been disturbing. She saw her mother crying and remembered her mother cried almost everyday. It began after her father died and never ceased, therefore, she believed that her mother grieved for her father everyday because she loved him so much. Then, in medical school she learned about depression and realized that her mother was a manic depressant. She wished that she had known when she was younger and perhaps, they could have gotten her help, before her body succumbed to physical illnesses that took her away from her family and eventually killed her at an early age.
Now, Zenobia subconsciously tried to keep anything reminding her of the struggles of her youth out of sight and out of mind. She managed to put her childhood behind her and push all of her sacrifices for her family to the back of her mind, keeping in the pain, instead of accepting them as part of her; that part of her that God had allowed to give her strength and to keep her close to him. She loved her siblings, but, she would rather call them, or, send money and cards, than to have long intimate visits.
In her dream, she lived out her life in a spiraling shell. Entrapped within it, Zenobia felt like she was in an endless maze. As she ran, trying to escape, an angel came to her and told her that the only way out of the maze was to make spiritual sacrifices to God.
Hal had never experienced anything like this before. He didn’t know that his mother had kept her depression a secret from him and he had been too young to understand what was going on.
After that terrible day in the gazebo, Hal didn’t know how to approach Zenobia. She barely had contact with anyone. She stayed away from him and his father as much as possible. She’d take her meals in their bedroom or outside in the gazebo. The gazebo became her refuge and escape from reality and their relationship suffered for it.
Too wrapped up in anger and plotting revenge against Derek Graves and the Barretts, along with being filled with so much guilt and anguish from his relationship with Zenobia and Rachel, Hal’s heart was hardened and he was blinded from seeing what was really happening to Zenobia. Sometimes, during his frustration, he would hear Auntie Tanya telling him, “Stay away from women.” During those moments, he wished that he had listened to her and stayed away from Rachel and Zenobia. He left Zenobia to her own devices of misery and suffering, while he too tortured himself. The two of them were void of unconditional love and disconnected from God.
Time and time again we don’t see ourselves complicating our own lives, when, God has made it so very simple for us to lean upon Him and be guided by His wisdom and love. Had Zenobia and Hal done this, it would have been quite a different story. However, they were caught up within their own flesh, the love of themselves, and the world.
They had both been willing to give themselves to one another physically and emotionally, but, neither was willing to sacrifice themselves for the other, or to God, spiritually. Thus, they lived with a void within, which is all the world had to offer them.